Grateful

Lately I've been in kind of a funk about some things. Namely, my lack of a real job and therefore, the lack of funds in our bank account. No, we are not broke. Yes, we can pay our mortgage and other bills just fine. No, we're not reduced to eating scrambled eggs at every meal. I guess I am specifically lamenting our lack of disposable income. Which is ironic, since we aren't on a budget and just dropped $60 for a new DVD player.

Jason's grandparents, parents, aunt and uncle are all leaving on Wednesday to go to Europe for 10 days. The primary reason for the trip is the wedding of a distant cousin of the family, but aside from that event they will also be quite the tourists, country-hopping, sightseeing, shopping, gorging on amazing cuisine.

Jason and I are not going on this trip. Instead, we get the privilege of house and dog sitting. Watering plants. Taking in mail and newspapers. I'm happy to do it, since I know that some day we will ask for the favor to be returned. But yesterday when we went to the grandparents' house to learn the alarm system and where everything is kept, we got to talking about all the trips that Jason's grandparents have taken in their 60 years of marriage. And the more we talked, the more I could feel myself turning Hulk-green. I'm sure the jealousy was leaking out of my pores and into a puddle around my feet. Bahamas, Switzerland, Hawaii, and tons of other places I'd love to go.

Couple those emotions with watching The Bucket List last night (where they climb the pyramids in Cairo, see Mount Everest, dine in France, etc.) and it put me in quite a slump.

I know that in less than a year of marriage, and less than two years out of college, Jason and I aren't supposed to be rich. We are supposed to be "barely making it," held together by our love in a tiny one-bedroom apartment on the wrong side of town. And we are way ahead of that curve. We bought a house for goodness sake! We pay all our bills on time, with money left over, and we are not hurting for food or fun. But somehow, that's still not enough for me.

I want to travel with my husband. See all sorts of things together and share new experiences. The one thing my dad keeps stressing is that we need to see the world before we have kids (which is not happening any time soon, God willing.) But how can we do that if I'm making less than 20k? I'd love to go on a trip for our first anniversary, and it's something I started looking into a few months ago, looking for deals, exploring our options. But after spending almost as much on a new air conditioner as we did on our honeymoon, it seems that our anniversary will be spent in the appliance section of Home Depot, picking out our new range. No tropical drinks and gorgeous sunsets in our forecast.

I'm trying very hard to keep in mind all of the wonderful things we do have, all the blessings in our lives. I'm also trying hard not to "wish away" these first years of building our life together. I know that in time, things will improve - I'll find a better-paying job (a whole 'nother topic altogether) and we will keep paying our debts until we pay off our credit cards. Some day, we will take exciting family vacations. We'll leave the kids with their grandparents and take a romantic retreat somewhere breathtaking. But for now, I'll just have to settle for daydreaming.